The Dream

Of course, it wasn't an exact match, but it was close enough that my mind drew a connection. My eyes teared up as the long forgotten memories suddenly forced their way to the forefront of my mind. For a moment, I relived the dream. Then it fled – just as quickly as it had all those years ago.

In my dream, I was on a dirt path deep within a pine forest. It was night, and the clouds held a beautiful purple hue. The power of a coming storm made the air buzz more than the incessant sound of insects did. Aside from said insects, the forest was silent.

As the dream fled from me, I felt a heavy longing settle over me. I wanted to be there, to bask in the beauty of the forest and the power of the storm. To exist – if only for a moment – in that most beautiful environ. Before long, my contemplation led to the realization of how much I miss the forests.

The Woods and I

I didn't have much exposure to woods growing up. My home was on the outskirts of a small city for most of the first 13 years of my life. We had a couple of trees, but nothing much. On occasion, we went camping. I always complained about it (as all children do), but I still liked it. Most of my experience with the woods comes from playing in the trees out back of my friend Brandon's home.

Brandon lived at most a mile from the Kentucky River. Behind (in one sense of the word behind) his home, there was a great mass of trees stretching off into the distance. We often went exploring in these woods, trekking to the river and back in zigzagged patterns. Once we went alongside the river until we came to a long rocky slope cutting right across our path. We hadn't realized how long we'd been gone until sunset arrived and quickly began departing. Our mothers weren't very pleased with our little adventure, seeing as we didn't make it back til nearly dark.

Over time we became more interested in video games than exploring the woods. This was partly because we'd already seen much of them, and partly because video games offered more to explore. I don't regret that shift in priorities, but I do miss the trees.

Alone-ness: My Paradoxical Longing

Introversion is a definitive aspect of my personality. It has displayed prominently ever since I was an infant. In fact, I have been told that as an infant I would cry incessantly when put to bed – until everyone left the room, at which point I would immediately calm down. Were my mom or dad to re-enter the room, I would begin bawling my eyes out again.

This dream reminded me of how much I miss being alone in a way that no city can provide. In the woods, I am alone. When I am alone, I am free. At the same time, I cannot help but remember the objective I held in the dream-forest: finding my friends. Among the fleeting trees, I sought companionship. I longed for it even as I now long to be alone.

The Importance of Balance

Ultimately, this experience has served as a reminder to me that I'll not be happy until I find my balance. I have often contemplated seeking out a hermitage. It has been a 'not now, but maybe' train of thought in recent years. While I now believe that a hermitage might be taking things a bit too far, it is certainly the right direction.

While at school this past year, I increasingly felt the need to escape from the constant press of humanity. During this summer, I have found much respite, despite the fact that I am constantly surrounded by people. This is largely due to a difference in density: here I am surrounded by people, but in small quantities – unlike on campus, where even a walk through the engineering complex can take me past more than a hundred people easily. I dread the great mass of humanity more than anything else as I contemplate returning to school.

Even still, I have felt the need to escape during this summer. Certainly, my current environment is a step in the right direction, but it is not enough. I must be constantly wary of overshooting my target, but I cannot yet say that I have found the proper balance. Now I must wonder: will I be able to?